The Drew Barrymore Stories

1. I was riding in an elevator in London hotel with Alfred Hitchcock and Drew Barrymore. Alfred Hitchcock said, "Do you think he's opened the box of poisoned chocolates yet?" Though I knew it was only one of Alfred Hitchcock's deadpan jokes, I grew nervous. Drew Barrymore smiled and laughed, so infectiously that I couldn't help laughing myself. She said: "I took the poisoned chocolates out and replaced them with chocolates filled with sympathy and affection." Even Alfred Hitchcock began laughing now.

2. John Coltrane and Miles Davis and Drew Barrymore and I were backstage at a nightclub in Chicago. Miles Davis was berating John Coltrane for playing a twenty-minute solo. I was trying not be noticed. Drew Barrymore was picking through a box of chocolates an admirer had sent backstage, biting into several of them to examine the filling. John Coltrane said: "I don't know how to stop playing." Miles Davis said: "Just take the damn horn out of your mouth." Drew Barrymore said: "Or if you wanted to you could just begin playing very softly, until you were so quiet that the others could play over you." Miles Davis said: "That would be fine too, yes."

3. Ernest Hemingway and Howard Hawks and John Coltrane and Drew Barrymore and I were in a fishing boat on the Snake River in Colorado. John Coltrane and Drew Barrymore were baiting fishhooks with whiskey-filled chocolates an admirer had sent to Hemingway. I was trying to make coffee on a bunsen burner. Howard Hawks said to Ernest Hemingway: "I bet you I can make a good movie out of your worst book." Ernest Hemingway said: "What book is that?" Howard Hawks said: "That piece of shit known as 'To Have And Have Not'." Drew Barrymore said: "Look over there!" We all turned, and Drew Barrymore pushed Howard Hawks out of the boat.

4. Gertrude Stein and Jack London and F. Scott Fitzgerald and Jack Kerouac and Truman Capote and Drew Barrymore and I were in a large outdoor hot tub in Sausalito, playing a drinking game called "What's Your Secret?" Gertrude Stein said: "Small audiences." Truman Capote said: "It's not your turn, Gertrude, it's Scott's." F. Scott Fitzgerald said: "There are no second acts in American lives." I started to ask him whether he meant that American lives skipped straight to the third act, but the others ignored me. Jack London said: "If you put some eggshells in with the coffee grounds it leaches the acid out of the coffee and it tastes a lot better." Jack Kerouac mumbled something nobody could make out, and Truman Capote said: "That's not writing, Kerouac, that's typing." Drew Barrymore got out of the hot tub and put on her robe and said: "Does anyone want hot chocolate instead of coffee? I don't have any eggshells, but I do have marshmallows."

5. I was running in the New York Marathon with Lawrence Olivier and Dustin Hoffman and John Coltrane and Drew Barrymore, only Lawrence Olivier was riding a banana-yellow moped. Drew Barrymore was accepting orange-slices and dixie cups of chocolate milk from the crowds at the police barriers and laughing infectiously but Dustin Hoffman and John Coltrane and I were too out of breath to join in. By the time we crossed the Koskiosko Bridge into Long Island City Dustin Hoffman looked terrible and I was concerned he wouldn't be able to finish the race. Lawrence Olivier said: "What's the matter?" Dustin Hoffman said: "I was up all night last night because I wanted this scene to look realistic." Lawrence Olivier said: "Why don't you try acting, my boy?" We all looked at Lawrence Olivier like he was an asshole. Drew Barrymore said: "I know a shortcut." Dustin Hoffman said: "To acting?" Drew Barrymore said: "No, a shortcut," and she pointed past the police barriers at our left. We all turned our heads and when we looked back she was gone.

Another, 2005